Back to me.

Or back to He.

"He" being God.

I feel like I should step up and make a commitment.

When I was in Toronto I joined a church. I completed their membership series and started attending regularly.

Here at home, I can't even get my ass out of bed on Sunday morning. There's one within spitting distance of my house. What is wrong with me?

I know I've felt bothered by what certain others think.

But the words of a friend come to mind. We were discussing a different circumstance. She noted that I'm a "grown woman". And I am.

I should only care about what GOD thinks.

Church

I really need to go.

My soul screams to know what Jesus has in store for me. But how can I know when I'm so far from Him?

Not Alone

Recently I confessed to being an adultescent. I have tried and failed more than once to obtain genuine adult status.

I do not care to share the details of my latest failure. Although for me, it was huge. And heartbreaking.

I feel as though there is only so much of me left. My adult life seems to consist of little more than dreams deferred or destroyed.

There is only one way that I know out.

An aunt of mine says I need "Divine intervention". This was not said in jest or as a cliche. And though I know she spoke the truth, I cannot help feeling 1000 shades of stupid.

We human beings are so ego-driven, it's pathetic. I hate that I keep having to return to God whenever I need help, begging, like a child. Somehow I feel so humiliated.

And yet also, I find myself relieved. None of us was meant to share the burdens of this life alone.

There is only one way out from where I am. And God holds the key.

Confession

This is, Lord willing, my last year of Adultesence. (A term I hadn't come across prior to reading The Rebelution.)

I won't go into details. But I've gotten a bit lazy about forging my own future. And I've come to regret it.

Only God can get me out of this. I hope to keep you posted...

Lord, Lord, Lord...

Who am I? What do I want? What am I really clinging to?

My most recent dream fell apart. As I look ahead, the words of a loved one come to mind. "You can't do this alone."

Indeed. It seems that the Lord remains the one I run back to, time after time.

Why do I always let myself go? Why do I keep hitting this wall?

And although I have elt myself down, He is, slowly but surely, building me back up.