The title for this post is taken from the story told in Numbers 22:22-35. How long am I going to struggle with or against God's plans for me?
It has taken forever for me to realize and recognize that teaching may, indeed, be what the Lord wants me to do with my life. This is my story.
First, a bit of background...
Here in the province of Ontario, Canada, if you want to have a career in education, you must have a Bachelor of Education degree. No ifs, ands, or buts.You can obtain this degree in two ways:
1. Concurrent Education: Earn your B.Ed. by taking credits
while you earn your Bachelor of Arts. There are a few schools that offer that option, such as
York University.
2. Consecutive Education: Get your B. Ed.
after you have your Bachelor of Arts. I took this route. And what a journey it's been...
Almost as soon as I graduated with my BA in 1999, my mother began looking up teachers' colleges.
I thought that she was crazy.
Why on earth would I want to be a teacher? WHY?!?!?!
At the time my mind was set on stubborn."I don't want to work with kids. I want to run away to Toronto and be a writer! Or producer! Or....Or anything but a teacher!"
No, I didn't tell her this. Yes, at the time I meant it.
I felt this way for years, and I struggled. My non-adventures led me to various points along the road to nowhere, including a stint in IT school. (Don't ask.)
Then, one day in the early 2000s....I was unemployed. I remember sitting up in bed. I started asking myself some pointed questions about my future, beginning with, "What did I like to do?" Which led to, "what did I like to do...
That people will pay me for?" I figured that if I was going to work, I might as well do something I liked.
Immediately, the answer came into my head. It wasn't like a thunderbolt. More like...A friendly whisper.
Well, Ms. F., there was that time in uni when you volunteered as an ESL tutor. You really enjoyed it...
I smiled to myself. There's something about making a connection with a student...The look on their face when they understand a concept. It's priceless, and somehow I was sure that I wanted to feel that joy all over again.
The next thing I knew, I hit the
internet and enrolled in a TESL course.
My eyes were really opened during my practicum. Unlike tutoring, this time around, I worked with a whole group of students. I made that teacher-student comprehension connection with multiple students. And I loved it! Something in my heart truly began to sing.
After completing my TESL, I started to apply for teaching positions with independent schools. And I got one, working with adults.
All this time, the wheels were turning in my head. It was that still, small voice again.
You can make a career out of this. A real career.
I decided to take the plunge and looked into getting my B.Ed.There was just one thing stopping me from applying. For any of the schools that I wanted to attend, I needed experience working with young people.
I had NONE.
I mean, apart from my TESL practicum. But as anyone who's walked this road before can tell you, working with young people who have spent their hard earned money to take a class and are interested in learning what you have to offer them is entirely different from working with teenagers who are in their seats because...The law* says they have to be. I panicked for a minute. And then I got busy.
Before to long I found myself at my old school, volunteering with my favorite teacher of all time. His kids were angels. Brilliant, crazy angels. I was in my glory. I used my experience. I applied for my B.Ed. I worked so hard on my application essays and statements, you would have thought I was writing my dissertation.
Acceptance came in the spring of 2004. I had applied to four schools. I was accepted at two, including the place of my dreams. I sent
my acceptance of my acceptance off to the appropriate location...And I waited for my adventure to begin.
Teachers' College was incredible. A wonderful nine months. Afterwords, I came out feeling as though I had the world on a string. Surely, I thought I could get any teenager to learn anything I wanted her to.
Then reality set in.
In the winter before graduation, I began to apply for jobs. I got nowhere.
That fall, I went back to my hometown. I returned to one of my
pre-B.Ed. teaching jobs: working with adults. I was at a different school than my earlier position, but the duties were almost exactly the same.
Eventually, I applied to work with my local school board. I got in, to work as a substitute.
And sub I did. Although I can count on one hand the times I worked with Grades 7 and 8, 99% of the time, I was with high school students. Yet all the while, something within me felt removed from the situation.
In my head, there was this reel of thoughts...
This is only temporary...You aren't going to be a teacher forever....Which worked worked directly in combination and occasionally in conflict with this one...
I can't stand these kids....I can't get them to behave...Why am I even bothering?I worked the substitute beat for a year.
Eventually, I decided to leave my hometown and move to the city.
I spent what felt like forever looking for a job.
Eventually I found one. And then another. Both outside of the field of education. Somehow, none of them was a good fit.
And, after applying multiple times...I was successfully hired by the local school board. Again, to be a substitute teacher.
Meanwhile, I still wanted the elusive permanent job.
I found one, in the shape of a short term contract. I look back on it as a lesson, more than anything else.
I made every mistake. I was inconsistent and a doormat. I smiled before the kids were able to take me seriously. (Are any of you familiar with the adage, "Don't smile before Christmas!"? I share
Joel's point of view on this. If I smile too soon, the kids will try to take advantage of me. Yet if I don't smile until Christmas, knowing me...My face would break.)
Teaching is a job that can take over your life. I was not ready. An educator is on a cycle of constant output: Planning, marking, double-checking both their--and their students'--work. Lather, rinse, repeat...It never ends. And I know that I was not prepared to be so incredibly, continuously selfless.
By the end of June, I swore I would never teach again. The thoughts that I used to dismiss during some of my rare, quiet moments speak loudly to me now. Above all I learned that it takes a mature, organized individual to be a teacher. I was neither. But I am working on both. In a way I believe that through teaching, I can become the person that God wants me to be.
Over the summer I remember feeling lucky to have escaped with my life.
But now those thoughts of survival are being replaced. I feel as though God wants to give me a wake-up call. It's as though He's saying "I gave you this gift..." And how could it not be a gift? I got into my dream school to learn how to be a teacher. The more I learn about teaching, the more I know that it is a truly wonderful profession. Something I can truly come to enjoy, in spite of its challenges.
"Are you up for it?"
At long last...I believe I
am.
Overall, I realize that I do, indeed want to teach. And it's about more than sharing knowledge. My desire has hit me on a deeper level, pertaining to my life's mission and focus. As I get older I realize that I need to have some stability...Something real in my life. A career can provide me with that. And what is more stable--within reason ;) --than teaching.
None of my "dream" jobs can bring me any true satisfaction. Why do I want to write? Because I have a way with words? Because I want a book of mine to be a Canada Reads finalist? Because I want to win a
Giller prize?
I have thought, often, about being an actor or some other type of performer. Yet those who actually make a living in such professions are outnumbered by the
wanabees by about a billion to one. Also there is the matter of income. I will be able to support myself. (
I hate the way things always come down to money, but...) Once while on the bus, I overheard a man and woman discussing employment-related issues. Eventually, they mentioned pay. Somehow teaching came up. And it was spoken of in a scornful tone. My first thought was, "Were they American?" My second thought was,"Or, are they just paying attention to the media?" We get a ton of American television north of the border. It's very easy for some people to soak it in, and consider the U.S.'s burdens to be our own.
Unlike teachers' salary in the states, in Ontario, teaches are paid decently. Mind you, we are not rolling in money. Yet we receive a decent salary--enough to survive and pay our bills. I once watched an American program featuring a teacher who had taken on a second job to cover her expenses. Unless one is facing extenuating circumstances, typically, there's no reason to do that here.
A few nights ago, I felt driven to write down a two-year plan. I outlined my professional goals step by step.
In my heart and mind, I have never truly been committed to being a successful teacher. Do my thoughts have the ability to decide my fate...? Only time will tell.
I am determined to commit to this new path, and see what the outcome will be.
Contrary to what my
blog's title suggests, you aren't going to find information on Christian universities. You will, however, find the rambling chronicles of one who has come to terms with the fact that maybe God really
does want me to teach....And now I must rise to the challenge.
Although in my early days, I thought of my newly chosen vocation as a curse...I now consider teaching to be a blessing. A blessing that I have been bestowed with, and which I must grow into, learn to steward, and use wisely. I am here, willing to commit my all in this to the Lord. Let's see what happens.
* "Law" meaning parents, or, the actual law, which stipulates that students must stay in school until they are 16.
